Part 4: InfertiliTEA

At the end of my first acupuncture visit last June, my east doctor explains that I am supposed to mix all of the packets of herbs together, add a 1/2 cup of hot water, and drink it twice a day for 6 days. Then come back for more acupuncture and more herbs each week. I'm so confused on what I'm supposed to do with these packets and how to make this "tea." I keep asking for more directions, and she just keeps saying, "No taste. Drink fast. Just swallow." Interesting. I don't like tea, so I'm very concerned about how this will taste.

 

I walk out onto Michigan Avenue wondering if I have pin pricks all over my face and a little worried about carrying a big bag of what looks like a whole lot of weed.

 

I get home and text Jeff saying I can't wait to tell him about my first acu. I'm so pumped up about this whole thing, and I probably sound like a lunatic talking to him about my kidney yin deficiency, my pulse and my too-hot body. I tell him I have to figure out how to make this tea that night and that she's totally going to fix my uterus. 

 

We pull out the 12 packets and I start cutting them open and pouring them into a glass. 

 

The packets all have weird names, most of which end in the word "root" and have lots of Chinese symbols on them.

I'm still smiling, but getting nervous.

They stink. I mean stink. Like rotten bomb farts of earth. Each one smells worse than the last. 

Smelly seed-like powder.

 I heat up some water and mix half of the tea mixture into it. It looks like diarhea in the cup. Dark brown, stinky hot mud water.

Smells so bad. You have no idea.

I start to drink and I about die. Die. Gag. Tears are forming in my eyes it tastes like shit. Serious shit. Not like, "oh this pasta tastes like shit." Because we've all had crappy and stinky food (I'll never forget my gnocchi during our honeymoon that smelled like dirty feet....).

I'm doing my best to be enthusiastic and trying to get my elbows up. Notice the wide eyes.

So bad I have to stop chugging. I almost spit and I'm getting tingles from the terrible taste.

Coughing into good 'ol Go Blue.

It's over. I drank it all.

I have just eaten rotten mulch earth shit from the backyard of a stinky old man with donkeys. It is the worst tasting thing ever. I'm gagging, Jeff's laughing, and I'm remembering Dr. Yang's last words: "Drink fast. No taste." She didn't mean "This tea will have no taste or flavor whatsoever." She meant, "This rotten mulch liquid tastes so bad I'm advising you to do anything and everything possible to avoid having to actually taste it. Drink it fast as hell and gulp it down before your taste buds even register what's shitting in your mouth." Oh the language barrier she and I had.

 

I knock it back, rinse my mouth and brush my teeth. I did it the next morning, and the next night, and the next morning for the next 4 months.

 

When we moved to Dallas, my wonderful new east doctor concocted her own mixture of stinky herbs in a little jar for me each week. No more mixing. The fun part for me was when I only had a little bit left at the end of the bottle, I would feed it to my sweet money tree. She needs life in the worst way. 

 

Sprinkling my money tree with herbs.

Once I'm able to upload pics to our crappy computer again, I'll post a pic of my money tree post-herb. You'll be amazed at how well she's doing! 

And, after a stinky 4 1/2 months, I've also sprung life in my belly.

***I don't know what's going on with the highlighted text. I can't get it to go away.